Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize