That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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