the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
