Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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