I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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