I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
