You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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