If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
