Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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