Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
