I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
