I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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