why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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