they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
