pedialite and red bull = repair kit
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
