I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
