i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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