Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just high enough for therapy.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
