already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
