Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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