She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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