he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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