i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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