well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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