Already got asked if we're dating
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
