Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
barbara walters just said penis...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
