lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
