I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
