ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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