My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
