mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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