69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
