Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
