I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
