I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
