He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
