I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your shirt... Was in my pants
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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