I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
