As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
