I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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