Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
