Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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