Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
