dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
