i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
