i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
