Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
