dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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