Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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