which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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