I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
