we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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