God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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