a search helicopter?!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
