bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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