He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
