I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
